on a completely random tangent, the other day I recorded a vocal track for a circus aerial routine. yes! No joke. It's for Ringling circus and I busted out some operatic-style singing for the 8.5 minute routine. Apparently it's already in place so somewhere there's crazy agile lithe people flying through the air to my vocal acrobatics. So coming to a town near you…:-)

Some thoughts on my birthday.

I will do my utmost to practice gratitude daily.

I won't take people and their presence in my life or career for granted. Actually, I will endeavor not to take anything for granted anymore.

You often read how people have an epiphany when they have had a brush with death or are diagnosed with a lethal disease that leaves them a limited amount of time to be here. It is true – I had a friend or two who underwent a similar experience. I believe what happens is that you are unable to take things for granted anymore. The goal is to be able to live like that every day. But I think that also requires courage: in a native American tradition, waking up to life is also first and foremost walking through the Valley of Death and accepting that at least at this level of the Great Game, we are finite.

OK, now I am slipping into the book mode. I am reading a wonderful little book by Karen Armstrong called 'The Short History of Myth', and I will be expanding upon this later.

But seriously. Not to be morbid, but when you do recall that, for example, your parents are not here for that much longer, there is much more of a tug to call, stop by, say 'hey, thank you. I love you'. Or when you get off the plane after a long flight chock full of turbulence (gods, I HATE turbulence with all the passion of a land-dweller), everything seems brighter, better and you say to yourself: oh wow. Thank you. This is great, I am alive. All the little things you were whining about before fall away, if only for an hour or two.

I resolve today on my birthday to spend more time with my mom in this coming year and be more with her in other ways – digitally or otherwise. And over this coming year lay the groundwork to live closer to her – whether this entails her coming to stay in the US for a while, or me making a move to Europe, or both.

I resolve to do more for others.

I resolve to be my own best friend. This relationship has been getting better for a while now, and I hope to take it even further in this coming year..

I resolve not to worry.

The music that was given to me when I was a little girl now has a proper channel to come through – I have reached a certain point where what I sound like when I sing is finally approaching what I have always heard in my head. I resolve to work even harder and build upon all the insights I have acquired in the last six months.

I resolve to leave my baggage behind and keep my heart open.

I also resolve to practice patience. Ah, patience. You and I have work to do.

Respect – self respect and respect for others. Both go hand in hand.

I also resolve to perform as much as I can, regardless of the circumstances, there wheres, whens, or how much.

..I'd like to say I'll give up coffee, but I have to have some vices. Come on.

And I resolve to keep learning

to love constant surprises in my life, whichever form or shape they may take.

I write this message

to the future me.

Right now I am standing still

if only for a moment

but the dawn is breaking

and the ship shall sail soon.

Hills and valleys behind me

memories, choices and

accidental encounters;

all that has faded.

I write this poem

for you, dear strange girl.

For you are more special

and loved

than you have allowed yourself to be.

But if you are, indeed

the future me

then you already know this.

You have opened your heart

to the shimmering wall of water;

the endless sky of possibility

and forgiveness

for such as myself

who belongs to yesterday.

Armed with imagination,

faith, music

and a treasure map

I light a candle for you,

then put down the guilt,

fear, shame and uncertainty.

Let them stay here;

you deserve to be new

I have fought for you

and now I can rest.

Be free and weightless

be kind, joyful and true.

Believe in magic

trust yourself

love completely.

The ship has sailed

I am standing on the dock, waving.

Happy birthday.

 Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at 7:22pm

…But if a person has had the sense of the Call — the feeling that there's an adventure for him — and if he doesn't follow that, but remains in the society because it's safe and secure, then life dries up. And then he comes to that condition in late middle age: he's gotten to the top of the ladder, and found that it's against the wrong wall.

If you have the guts to follow the risk, however, life opens, opens, opens up all along the line. I'm not superstitious, but I do believe in spiritual magic, you might say. I feel that if one follows what I call one's "bliss" — the thing that really gets you deep in your gut and that you feel is your life — doors will open up. They do! They have in my life and they have in many lives that I know of.

…When you are at a certain age…and look back over your life, it seems to be almost as orderly as a composed novel. And just as in Dickens' novels, little accidental meetings and so forth turn out to be main features in the plot, so in your life. And what seem to have been mistakes at the time, turn out to be directive crises…

Life seems as though it were planned; and there is something in us that's causing what you hear of as being accident prone: it's something in ourselves. There is a mystery here… Can anything happen to you for which you're not ready? I look back now on certain things that at the time seemed to be real disasters, but the results turned out to be the structuring of a really great aspect of my life and career. So what can you say?
And the other point is, if you follow your bliss, you'll have your bliss, whether you have money or not. If you follow money, you may lose money, and then you don't have even that. The secure way is really the insecure way and the way in which the richness of the quest accumulates is the right way.

(Joseph Campbell)

I am missing trains today. Go figure. When recording the album in Hudson, a friend and I walked down train tracks into the woods, only to come back spooked by something. I would wake up in the night, while in Hudson, hearing the train whistle.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Today I had another interesting ghost of the Christmas past experience. By the way. How do you define attraction? Is it a flutter, a melting sort of thing; a sudden shyness? All of the above?

In trying to recall my last year's birthday and the environs, I realized that I posted a few interesting tidbits on Facebook over the past year, including poems, brainstorms and reminders. I think I'll include them here now and then, just to see how the past fits into my present; or to make it part of my present while letting go of those bits of it that are no longer necessary. OK, that was cryptic. Coming right up..