It is a beautiful rainy day in L.A. I have only now noticed how incongruous and yet how uniquely Southern Californian this view is from my window: all those palm trees in the gray, drizzling rain.

The new year is almost here. Today some more cleaning to be done and, well, perfect weather for a nap – or two. I'd take my landlord's dog for a walk,  but she absolutely detests rain. This dog would never survive in the UK or anywhere else, for that matter, with real weather.

I went back and looked at my first couple of entries in this journal. The first entry was almost exactly two weeks ago. I was in a very emotional space then. What a world of difference today, just in two weeks. It is worth taking a moment and looking back over these 15 days to see what has happened and what I did to make such a difference. It is also worth taking a moment to be thankful.. to the people in my life, but also to myself. For I have grown in the past year – and if I had not, none of these people or opportunities would be present now.

The gray tones of today's light are quite fitting for this moment of contemplation: not in a sad or regretful way, but in a restful manner; being in the moment and yet being able to look at everything from just enough of a distance: like a bird circling above the landscape of my existence. When you are walking down a path, you can see forward and backwards.. and then, of course, the sky. And around yourself, although we tend to focus on the future and the past. But if you zoom out – if you have a chance to spend a minute on an hot air balloon of memory and perspective above the landscape of your days – you see so much more. There are rivers and distant hills, other roads crisscrossing and winding into the distance. There are colours, shadows of the clouds and little and big details one can't see from below..

All in all.. 2009 was a very good year, my darlings.

With music to come and friends to be made, adventures to be had and challenges to be overcome, dreams to be dreamed and love to be found.. 2010 is the best year yet.

And I am and shall remain -  a seeker, bard, poet, scholar, healer, warrior and anime character in the making. I will sing and write songs, channel my inner Rachmaninoff, Nina Simone and Freddie Mercury on stage, wear more hats, short skirts and trench coats, dance, travel, learn, kiss, dream, persevere and enjoy.

happy new year!!

(the video below sort of encapsulates how I feel about 2010)

🙂

On a side note and re: my dilemma about the photos – as described below: I am letting them go.

If I have learned anything in the past year or two, it is that there is no gain without some sort of sacrifice.

Perhaps I am being very pagan, but these photographs – and (sigh) lovely and romantic cards – are sort of a symbolic offering I am making on the altar of my future and the new year. I will make new memories. And the old ones never quite die anyway. But I do not need to keep them in storage. Let it all burn – and I am not saying this in a negative, bitter way – I mean: let it all burn in a cleansing flame and make space for new photos and memories to come in.

A new cycle is beginning.

I think my mission of finding – or creating magic in Los Angeles (see earlier post) – is off to a fantastic start. Yesterday was a most lovely day full of synchronicity and magical frequencies.

I think it really all comes from within, really. I have long thought that L.A. is basically a giant mirror or magnifying lens: whatever you are at any given moment just gets multiplied. As in: am I sad? Lost? Depressed, bitter or jaded? More of the same will come my way, internally and externally, times ten.

Am I excited? Pro-active? Authentic and grounded? Certain? That will also be multiplied and suddenly the days are transformed into something quite unexpectedly beautiful.

But the key to all this is that it all has to come from the inside. L.A. does not hold your hand, nor does it provide consolation or encouragement. It is you face to face with yourself and your worst fears, be it solitude or failure. And it provides enough ways to distract yourself from those fears so you may never make the changes you need to make. Like we crave the foods we are allergic to, so do we procrastinate or isolate ourselves and become the very things we were afraid to become. L.A. does not voluntarily provide food for your inner life as many other places do – say Paris, or London (my love), or even Moscow… or Rome… even New York. L.A. dares you to create that inner life yourself, nurture it in the desert heat and the smog and then use it to create; bring forth a vision from within.

And if you succeed and hold that true vision clearly within your heart and mind, Los Angeles lets its dark angels come forth to show you the hidden magic. But if you fail, you wander the desert forever, not even knowing the seasons of your own life, for there are none here.

This photograph I found is Los Angeles circa 2nd world war.

it appears to me now that this past year was a roller coaster ride for many, not just for me. As much as we try to feel a part of the whole, it is a human tendency to isolate oneself somewhat and think: 'oh, I am unique and special'.

Or maybe it's just me? I have traveled and been on my own for a while now. I am just now starting to learn how to establish and maintain ties – an essential part of being  a complete human. It is inherently risky to attach yourself emotionally to others, after all: there is always a looming spectre of loss. But if you do not, life has no real meaning.

It is in sharing that my music develops that special dimension. It is also in sharing that life acquires it, as well. But it is tricky – it's a fine balance – because before one is able to fully share, there has to be a degree of wholeness first. I learned it the hard way. I know it's Psych 101, but it is true that if you do not appreciate or respect yourself – I won't even say 'love' – you are mostly unable to do so towards other people in a pure way . Mind you, this sounds simplistic. If you dislike yourself, this doesn't mean you are unable to fall in love or such. It just means that there can be a lot more room for enmeshment.. or desire to please.. or living vicariously..

OK, how did I get on this tangent? More on this later. I think writing a blog is good for me, also because I can pontificate here for pages on end and get that out of the way so I don't go on and on when I spend time with other people.

But back to the original thought: yep, not just me. 2009 seems to have been a year of transition for many, many people. Certainly was that for me. 2010 has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

I am more than ever glad that I am not back in NY recording. I am getting some much needed rest – I had not truly realized how much it was needed. However, I would have still gone gladly – I push mysef relentlessly sometimes. That's where the whole respect for self comes in handy. I am a LITTLE better at recognizing now when I need to give myself a break.

I was going through some old pictures yesterday. Actually 'some' is putting it mildly. There was a whole bag of them. In a box. Most of them had to do with my last long term relationship. And then there was a whole folder of cards. Yes. My former significant other was of the romantic sort – so much so that there I accumulated a few dozen beautiful cards with all sorts of messages on them: birthday ones, valentines, the 'just because I felt so' ones. All written beautifully. All lovely and thoughtful. All so indicative of the better part of the story that it made my heart ache looking at them, and still does thinking of them.

So I have a dilemma now. My intention was to take the photos and the cards and dispose of them. Winter cleaning, right? New life, turning over a leaf? But then there's a part of me apparently that still holds on, because just the thought of letting those cards go made it wail inside me: 'no, no! I'll just keep them put away. Who knows, I'll need them for something later, like writing'. But in all truth, why would I want to keep them and the pictures? That relationship is gone, and I do not see a friendship flourishing in its place. I do not need them for self-validation, surely?

Ah, well I have a day or two to decide. And the box is sitting there, waiting for the axe to fall.

I think there should be a cleaning ceremony for every season. Obviously there's spring cleaning. Then, there could be a winter – year-end cleaning out of the psyche/closets/ scrubbing. Summer.. maybe. More like spring and summer should go together, but maybe a quick vacuum in the fall.

Today I am doing a kind of winter cleaning. And hoping that my landlord's plant which I clean forgot about revives itself rather than die on me. I am feeding it spring water and maybe I should sing to it. Right now it's looking very sad and on its last…er… stalks. I am feeling rather guilty and apprehensive. But give it another day or so, I am thinking. I'll sing opera to it and think positive thoughts and we shall see.

I had a lovely birthday. And I saw Avatar – again – yes, I know, don't say it. But it's the ultimate escapist fantasy this season. I just flat adored the floating mountains sort of thing. Well, kudos to James Cameron.

Now the little dog that lives here is giving me a sad look. And I have to go feed and hang with my friend's cat. Oh man…