Last night I got to see Ricky Jay's show. It was amazing. It was also very inspiring. I guess the show was created by David Mamut, who is an incredible writer. It also gave me a number of ideas for my own show which I am developing right now..

It also reminded me how sometimes what we think is magic because it is so effortless it almost seems to happen by itself is actually a result of years and hours of hard work. I have been learning to play guitar for a bit now and just recently I made a decision – not an easy one – to put it away for a bit and focus on piano only. When I play piano, it is my second nature and I do not think. However, with all my other pursuits, it has suffered in the past year – no, I have not gotten worse, gods forbid. But I can still take it to greater heights and it deserves it. Time seems to go by faster an faster and I feel like I want to pick my battles and endeavors more carefully and thoughtfully. Therefore – there is someone in my near future – actually there already are a couple of people in my circle who are amazing guitar players. And so I will work and perform with them, rather than attempt to do it all on my own. However, I will still write on guitar, of course..

That said, I also want to learn more about NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming. I got fascinated by it in the past year. I also met an amazing athlete who used it in his workshops for martial arts. Another check mark in my mental list. I would like to incorporate it into my creativity, be it taking my piano to new heights or the vocal routines I am working on right now. 2010 is all about focus and no half measures. I have a list of five things, which are all connected and make a greater whole.

I am under the weather today, so everything is moving a bit slow. It is a good thing that I have discovered a talent for herbalism in the past three years: this means that I am able to take care of myself and fight off most annoying colds or flus or other things that pop up now and then. Like for example when I picked up a cold on the plane to Hudson, NY last month – on my way to making my record, which meant singing four or five hours a day for a few days in a row. I know some people discount natural medicine, but it was because of those special remedies and herbs that I made it through, got rid of a bad cold, made the record and did not lose my voice – although it came pretty darn close.

I am also a feline by definition: I can fall asleep whenever I choose and for however long I choose. That also comes in handy when I get borderline sick: I just dose myself with herbs and sleep it off.. Yes, kind of like a cat, i guess, except I don't eat grass. Well, not literally.

Ricky Jay.. he has a charisma and an easy way to hold an audience in his thrall which can only come from many – many – many – many performances. But.. that said, there was also a groundedness to him. A world within himself, on stage, he made it incredibly important that we, as audience members, find out more about that world. And magic only works when it's magical: by this I mean, effortless and yet human. His combination of easy confidence and yet ability to laugh at himself was the key to the magic door and we all wanted it. His likability was also a factor: we did not want him to fail. Sometimes you come across a performer or magician you do not connect to: which means you are entertained, but you are not emotionally attached to them and if there is failure, you consider it part of the entertainment. When you *like* the performer, you are with them onstage and you identify yourself with them. Ricky Jay is incredible at what he does, but he also invokes your empathy. And combined, it is a winning combination.

Moreover, it is his the fact that he has gathered around himself great artists, such as David Mamut or others, apparently, that sets him apart. Another lesson I took away from last night's show.

I want to travel more. This year I want to go to Japan, India, China and Europe. Also South America. Not sure yet how to pull this off, but anything is possible, right?

Speaking of this year, the first day went by like a flash of light. Is it going to just keep accelerating like that? Granted, I was doing something the whole day and having fun, too, but still.

OK, I am getting into my first paradox of the year: I do not want to wait for anything, and yet I know I set practicing patience as one of my goals.

I did it yesterday: I got rid of tons of photographs. Why, would you say? It was a symbolic thing. It's not like they were taking up so much space I couldn't handle it. After all, they were in the garage, neatly tucked away in a box. I had a hard time doing it, especially because there was that whole folder full of cards filled with love notes I had written about earlier in my blog. And yet. I felt lighter after doing it. And this morning I do not regret it at all.

I figure at least once in their life, everyone deserves a fresh start. Why not reinvent yourself: or do it by finally being who you truly are? What weighs you down? What is the small voice in the back of your skull telling you: do not do this, do not go there: you will fail, it is not proper or not done?

You must ask for what you really want; Don't go back to sleep. (Rumi)

I spent the afternoon yesterday at my music attorney's house. How many people can say they really, really like their lawyer? I asked that question of someone the other day, and the answer was: 'a few, if the lawyer helped them win money'. But I meant: as a person. I love him and his family and find it so welcoming and inspiring to be around them. I find it inspiring to be around different types of people I can learn from and look up to. I hang with very spiritual people, so I can feed off that and bring more of that energy into my own sphere. I also have acquaintances and business connections who are highly materialistic and driven like no one else. But I enjoy spending time with them, too, because that drive is also something I like to borrow now and then. I enjoy quiet people, loud ones, beautiful ones: those on the outside and those on the inside, or both. Sometimes it is a useful thing to meet a jerk because it can remind you as to what not to be. Every experience can be used as a mirror.

I have been reconfiguring my experience with people over the past three years. And I am finally somewhere I feel comfortable: I don't need to project myself outwards over and over again because I am finally mostly secure with myself. When you are in that place, you see other people more clearly and they can relax in your presence. This year I will endeavor to become a better listener.

Last night I got invited to a Vedic Hindu ritual, called a Puja. It was in honor of the new year.

Pūjā (Devanagari: पूजा) (alternative transliteration Pooja, Sanskrit: reverence, honour, adoration, or worship) is a ceremony of gratitude or a religious ritual performed as an offering to various deities, distinguished persons, or special guests. It is done on a variety of occasions and settings, from daily puja done in the home, to temple ceremonies and large festivals, or to begin a new venture.^[1] Puja is modeled on the idea of giving a gift or offering to a deity or important person and receiving their blessing. The two main areas where puja is performed is in the home and at public temples. There are many variations in scale, offering, and ceremony.^[2] Puja is also performed on special occasions such as Durga Puja and Lakshmi Puja. Puja or Pooja is also a Hindu female first name.

It was rather elaborate, and a ton of people attended. The huge mandala they had built in the middle of the room was covered by heaps of flower petals by the end of the ritual. I got a little hoarse from all the chanting. It was quite a lovely experience and worth attending. It reminded me that I also struggle with being around many people at once and the whole community principle. I have always been a loner: I think I grew up as such because my parents divorced early on back in Russia. I was an imaginative child and never really felt alone – I don't think – back then we lived in a neighborhood where everyone knew everything about everyone, and the divorce made me a bit of a pariah, sadly. I also never went to kindergarten: so by the time I went to elementary school, I was firmly established in myself as a little individual and my inner world.. but did not fit in, necessarily.

I think both my mother and my father are loners, as well.  And so it has been a challenge for me to learn that being a part of something bigger does not necessarily mean loss of yourself, among other things. I am still learning. This year I want to take more steps towards that place, internally. Last night being in that room full of chanting people was inspiring and draining at the same time: all that energy.

I woke up last night around 2 am because of the wind. The moon was incredibly bright and the santa ana winds were blowing – or it felt like it. There was an eerie energy abroad: it was almost as if some energies or deities we had invoked were rushing around in the ether, as well. L.A. has that dark magical feel about it sometimes: it is a desert, after all. When the winds come from that direction, the feeling is unmistakable.

One of the speakers at the Puja brought up the subject of the great Mother. He spoke of her and the nurturing, as well as love, and the modern imbalance of the world that is skewed towards the masculine rather than the feminine: yang, rather than a balance of yang and yin.

Well, yes. But the truth is: it is only with advent of civilization and the comforts/protections it has brought us that we were free to imagine the great Mother as such. Early myths demonstrate that she was as much a destroyer as giver of birth. The feminine principle as we know it in the western culture: passive, nurturing, loving, accepting – is a contemporary thing. And the concept of the great Mother as an all forgiving auntie is also rather recent. We reinvent history depending on what it is that we crave. The Hinduism I was a witness to last night was a reinvented version of self: perhaps the ritual itself was old and authentic, but not all Hindu gods were necessarily people you would want to have tea with. Although, this particular ritual was dedicated to Lakshmi, who is, fortuitously, a goddess you would actually want to hang with:

Lakshmi (Sanskrit: लक्ष्मी lakṣmī, Hindi pronunciation: [ˈləkʂ.miː]) is the Hindu goddess of wealth, prosperity, light, wisdom, fortune, fertility, generosity and courage; and the embodiment of beauty, grace and charm. She is believed to protect her devotees from all kinds of misery and money-related sorrows.

Monday: time for me to go back into the studio and get back to some serious vocal and piano training again.

Today: bike ride! It is a sublime blue morning and the sun is already bright. When I woke up and spent some time worshiping my Java deity, the sun was rising and the moon was as bright as the sun. Lovely promise of a day. Good morning, Lakshmi: would you like a cup of coffee?..

I woke up so excited about the new year – and some dreams I can't remember (argh!) – that I found myself typing and drinking tea at 4 AM. Mind you, I did go to sleep early, actually more like 11:30 PM. I didn't feel like joining in the revelry, but being a bit of a hermit, although I made up for it earlier in the day and evening, hanging with some friends, going to an event etc. But somehow I felt like spending a minute on my own on this special night – on a blue, full moon; almost like getting a chance to have an intimate conversation with the Year about to depart.

I lit some candles and then decided to write down everything I was grateful for in 2009, to let it go in style. Lo and behold: I ended up filling three pages (small writing, too!) So in the end, as intense and bizarre it could get, 2009 was good to me – oh yes, it was. Three pages do not lie, and I am sure I missed some things.

I stared at the moon, thought, dreamed and then dosed off – only to be woken up by firecrackers and sounds of revelry everywhere and honking.. so in a way, I did not miss the NYE at all. It was actually quite lovely. I think a lot of people are excited about this decade to come – well maybe more about 2009 being behind us, as well – and that energy was in the air. On a side note, I kept hearing sirens all night: I reckon if you're a fireman, you did not have restful meditative night.

Tomorrow is already here – and it is going to be amazing. I got invited to a Vedic Puja ceremony this evening, which would be the first of its kind for me. And there are other cool things going on, so I feel like 2009 went out with a lovely sort of finality, while the 2010 is charging in on a big white horse not waiting a minute longer than it had to.

But now I suspect I want to nap some more.. And I am hungry!

there is only one Road; it's like a great river: its springs are at every doorstep, and every path is its tributary. It's a dangerous business going out of your door. You step onto the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.

The above is an edit of something from Tolkien. I am remembering myself years ago back in Moscow.. how I spent 48 hours reading the bootleg translation of Lord of the Rings.

"In this very being of yours, you do not perceive the True; but there in
fact it is. In that which is the subtle essence of your own being, all
that exists has its Self. An invisible and subtle essence is the Spirit
of the whole universe. That is the True, that is the Self, and thou,
thou art That — tat tvam asi."
— Chandogya Upanishad