There seems to be a transformation, breaking down and restructuring going on in the world on all levels these days.
One can argue that it has always been the case. Perhaps. It is possible that all perception is, of course, objective. It is also possible and also probable that what I see happening externally is simply a reflection, of sorts, of my internal processes. And there is – and has been for a bit now – quite a bit going on with me, internally AND externally.
But as I run into more and more people recently, who are dealing with crises of their own: everything from complete disenchantedness and burn-out, to not being able to pay their rent and losing a significant, if not *the* significant relationship, I start wondering.
I have been presented with many lessons in the recent 4 years or so. You could say it has been a crash course in personal evolution. Two that stand out the most are these: acknowledging my own self worth, as an artist and a human. And those two are inextricably linked. And: learning compassion.
Mind you, I have also learned that those two go hand in hand. If you cannot be kind to yourself, the kindness that you give to others is of a different kind.. It becomes an externalization of what, in my opinion, should start within. There are many examples of giving people who, at the end of the day, burn out and find themselves empty and unhappy, in spite of their practice of kindness, generosity or selflessness.
Too many times we dislike ourselves too much. It is easier to like others and be compassionate to them, in fact. As psych 101 as it sounds, I have learned this to be a hard truth.
How good are you at accepting someone's kind words or a compliment? And by compliment, I do not mean something necessarily empty or untrue. We, as a society, have become excellent at accepting material gifts. And yet, so often, when someone gives us the gift of appreciation, we are unable to accept it, unwrap it with delight and be, quite simply, comfortable with it. So you shrug it off and feel mildly embarassed.
It is in the recent days that I have been taking stock of the past year. Really taking stock in a number of ways, working hard at not being too hard on myself, as I tend to be. I have noticed, among other things, how I have consistently come across people, new friends and relationships who were in pain of some kind. Stuck. UNable to break free of their comfort zone that had become so uncomfortable it was more of a prison. Disillusioned or scared. Depressed. In need of comfort.
I have attempted to provide at times some of the latter, but have often failed, as I have myself been on the receiving end of the universe's restructuring ways in this past year. And so I would play the part of the healer or teacher for a bit and then grow resentful. Dissatisfied. And disengage. It is another lesson: to keep my boundaries intact, while being the best human I can be. Or is it?
There is a theory that when we come across certain characteristics in another that resonate with something within ourselves, it is when we react the strongest. It can happen two-fold: either we come across something we resent or dislike in ourselves or something we truly lack and wish we possessed. For example: I have always hated the part of me that procrastinates. Probably since I was small. The one that self sabotages and never finishes the things that have been started on. I embarked upon a casual but nice relationship with someone last year, and I found that he had a major issue of the kind. And slowly, as I tried to be helpful, it drove me insane. Mostly, I believe now, because it irritated me so much. And reminded me of what I tend to do myself – although on a much less consistent basis now.
It is a selfish thing to admit. Because, after all, the goal is to enjoy other people for what they are themselves, not as reflections of yourself. And yet, other people are, indeed, mirrors that bounce back at you imagery of who you are within – or what you wish you were. It's part of life and learning.
But what came to me last night as I lay there, falling asleep, was that at the end of the day I am so blessed. My trials and tribulations are by far less significant or painful than those of the majority of the people I have come across in the last year. We all live in cages of our own making, but mine has a door now I am aware of. Even on the days I am struck by fear, depression or doubt, I always know it will pass soon. I am no longer ruled by fear or insecurity: I am not free of them, either, but they do not call the shots in my life. I have my music back and I am increasingly aware of the gift it is – both for myself and the impact it has on other people.
And most importantly: I love this world. It has not always been like this. But now it is. And it has taken me time but also coming across all these people I have known: some of them are friends, others passing ships. Learning from them. Learning what I wish to be, but also, importantly, what I do NOT wish to be. Fearful. Resentful. Bitter. Cynical. Disenchanted. Hopeless.
I think at the bottom of it is a growing belief of mine that this world does not *owe* me anything. The simple fact that I was born and possess all these gifts and possibilities in addition to being healthy, able and more privileged than 99.9999 % of the world's population, is – or should be enough. However, it's not an intellectual decision one can make. It is something in the heart.
And so this morning, I am counting my blessings. Again. I rather think I should do this daily, actually.
