Today I had an amazing day. I met two amazing & inspiring people: Seal and David Foster, and I even got to contribute some of my own artistry, which was an honour. I'll have to write a bit more about it tomorrow, since right now I am falling down tired, fighting off the icky cold that has managed to sneak back in (sneezing and the whole enchilada) and I need to sing again tomorrow.

But driving back today from Santa Barbara, where the events took place, I took the Highway 1 and the coastline was half-drenched in the mist. I had to write something about that before sleep took me away to the coming day. It's too easy to lose those moments in time.

santa barbara, march 24, 2010

Fog is waiting for me around the bend

No primary colours: all is pastels and dusk

Here and now, as the road weaves through the hills

I remember the last time I was here.

I was heartsick and floundering

Brightest blues and cliff shadows

Shock and fragility; anger the only anchor

I drove aimlessly, on the run from the knowing.

Today, the fog softens jagged shapes

Greens and grays float side by side

The ghostly car accelerates;

Another turn: the past and I diverge forever.

I motor on, but as I turn up the music

I smile at the girl in the old truck

whose face is scrunched up from crying:

she does not see me

though I catch her roll down her window

as if a wandering strain of song

rode by in the wake

of a future life.

It's been a rather eventful week. I know I still owe you pictures from NYC and show at Stronghold.

But I am cleaning my room tonight – organizing, putting some things in a big box. For the first time in a long-long time, the sight of a packing box does not fill me with dread.

I am moving in approximately three weeks, see. I don't know where yet. But I will know soon, I am sure.

Tonight it's a a new moon and a rather sizeable bunch of new beginnings are, indeed, in my near future, so moving is only a part of it all. A new moon in my world means a new start. A good time to set an intention for the future.

As I am going through my books, papers and possessions, I am reminded of a time some number of months ago, where I was still in a relationship that was coming to an end. I remember vividly how in my then fancy working space/studio, I stood one night, feeling completely and utterly unhappy. That was the moment I realized I didn't even know what I liked. What I loved.

It is a rather strange thing to say, but it was a moment of insight. I had gotten so lost, somehow, that I didn't know who I was. I sat down and thought about it for a moment. I really didn't know what I liked – truly loved. Oh, of course, there were the usual suspects. But I was empty and not able to feel who I was inside and what drove me to wake up every day and live.

As I am packing up yet again and making space for events, people, books, songs, lessons and adventures to come, I am realizing tonight how different everything is. How in love with life I am now. There are so many things I love, so much to look forward to. And I have acquired a core of friends, supporters, mates and co-conspirators, who are the energy surrounding me. I have pulled together a team of amazing professionals to help me build on my music and reach out to the world. I am starting a company with my best friend.

And my music is alive – more than ever before. This past weekend I sat at the piano for hours every day and worked on new and old songs, who kept surprizing me with new insights, colours and textures.

So – back to packing, dreaming, remembering and looking forward.

What you are seeing, by the way, is a picture my headdress I wore to the show at the Stronghold and in NYC. Mind you, it's prior to my hair being curly and all done up. This is one of the 'making of' pics. Put together by Missy Washington.

I am back in L.A. and will shortly post some photographs from my NYC trip, as well as The Stronghold.

I am thinking of two things at the moment:
1) The man who invented the Pilates machine was a sadistic and twisted genius. Now that is where Evil and Genius fully co-exist. I got to take a free class yesterday and I am sore in unimaginable places. Of course I am too tough to complain, because I am Russian, and by definition tough and should be able to take my pain like a Comrade. Yes. Ouch! It hurts!

Doubtless I shall do this again.

2) I have decided to wage a one-woman war against the impending demise of the English language.

(whew, my daily contribution is already taken care of: I used 'impending' and 'demise' in one sentence before I had lunch).

What I mean by that is: from now on I refuse to use abbreviations. No more LOLs, photos, pics, ROFLs….mmm…. '2's in place of 'to' and 'too'…and so on.

Twitter, you eat my hat. I will prevail. I am going to precipitously engage in a torrid love affair with words in THEIR ENTIRE LENGTH!

On a side note, I love you, Thesaurus.

Los Angeles after the rain is a special place to be. Also, it has this tendency to fool you into thinking the day is going to be gray and drizzly, and yet – voila! – and the sun peeks out and then tantalizes you with glimpses of radiance.

Today is a relatively quiet day, which is just as well, since it was only yesterday afternoon that I got to unwind a bit. Also, I am taking a few days of vocal rest, since with all the singin and fighting off cold, which had lodged itself in my throat, I have given my vocal cords quite a time. But no worries: special tea, some rest, and we are as good as new, or even better. Doesn't mean I won't be practicing piano, however. This new routine of work is rather addictive to me.

I had a thought this morning, which I wanted to write down. You know how sometimes you meet people and there is a spark, of sorts? I am not even speaking in the romantic attraction sense. To me it is almost as if we are all walking our separate paths. But when you meet someone who is walking a path very close to yours, in the same direction; or your paths are meant, and have been meant to merge, there is that special feeling of lightness, excitement and recognition. These are people you can talk with for hours about nothing and everything. Or have comfortable silences. Hopefully they become your best friends or teammates, because I have come to believe that it is that 'spark' that is a signal to us that something special is afoot: you have found a 'mate'.

Once again, I am not even speaking of it in terms of romantic love. Of course, if that 'spark' is paired up with attraction, you may have found something or someone very special.

But I'll take it even further. I have come to believe that it is that feeling of lightness and butterflies-in-your-stomach excitement that can be a measure of anything in life: deciding on a job or a place, choosing a direction, purchasing an object..

I don't have time this morning to go much further on this, but my understanding is that it is not a signal you receive in your head. It is an over all physical feeling, almost. And most of it comes from your heart. There is no calculation about it. And, I also believe that there usually two things standing between a person and being able to experience the above clearly and go with it: 1) fear and 2) inability to connect to our physical senses (being too much in our heads).

   Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi on flow

I am back in Los Angeles. It is gray and has been raining intermittently throughout the day. It is almost as if the weather is telling me to rest before I jump into the work mode. It was a very full and rather intense week, starting with my show Tuesday night and my whirlwind trip to NYC.

But what can I say? I am excited. Something has been happening to me recently: something wonderful.  I have been feeling more and more awake and alive. But not only that: it's as if external events of my life are directly linked to those feelings. I mean, they do not cause the feelings: it's the opposite. It's as if those feelings cause the events to flow in the way which is the most optimal for me.

Let's face it: it's kind of like magic.

And as I woke up this morning, I logged on to Twitter and something came my way. A video of a talk by a speaker and psychologist who described precisely what has been happening to me recently. At some point his words hit the spot in such an uncanny manner that I found myself crying. Yes, it sounds a little over the top. But you have to understand that I have been struggling on and off for a long time to figure out why my progress seems to always come in fits and starts. You may say it's a natural and cyclical thing, and I will agree – to a point. We do learn from our decisions and falls, and become better because of them. I know I have.

But or the last eight months or so I have been learning and seeking ways to harness my creativity, emotion and self – both physical and mental – in order to become a true artist performer. So that when I perform, I am transformed, and so are people who have come to hear me sing. I realized there were pieces missing to my puzzle last summer, and I embarked upon a journey of sorts to find them.

And in the last four-five months, with increasing speed, the insights have come. Some of them from experience, others from information. But information has to become experience to be fully integrated. And after this week, I feel like it finally has.

I am rambling a bit here, I know. I'll leave you with these two videos, where two mild-mannered, seasoned older men describe much of what I have learned and taken into myself recently. But they explain it so much better than I – so that hopefully you will also benefit from this. The second video was suggested to me by a Facebook friend when I shared the 'Happiness' video on my profile. It is amazing how between the two of them, my last few months of searching, learning and experiencing are captured and explained. Except, it's not that easy. As a dear of friend of mine said once: in order to fully understand an experience and become it, your molecules have to change and become a hybrid of the two.

I will leave you with a picture, though. I sat down this afternoon to practice piano. I did not intend to sing because my voice is rather tired after this past week, as well as flying. But, the large airy room, the piano, the sun peeking out from behind the clouds: they all had an effect on me, as usual, and I started singing after a bit. I sang some new songs, some older ones, and even recalled one or two songs from a really – really – long time ago. And each one felt alive to me. Each one was like a live being next to me, but also inside me. And for a few moments I was in the present, past and the future – all at once. I felt so alive and so grateful, I sang with tears streaming down my face.

I was in the flow.

    Srikumar Rao: Plug into your hard-wired happiness