And so, back in sunny Venice, I am still processing my trip to Moscow.

But I am also starting to prepare my live show. Starting July, there will be performances, with touring to come later. In a way, I am sensing that this is a lull before a storm… once the activity starts, it won't stop for a while. I need to be ready.

So I am taking advantage of this time to balance myself out a bit… and prepare. I spent quite a while in the 'making of the album' mode, and now it is taking me a moment to shift into 'living it' mode. And presenting it to the world. A bit scary. But exciting. Well, these two words summarize most of my life, really.

I think I am pretty sure what the title of the album is going to be, as well. More on that later.

Going back to Moscow was not an easy thing. I operate on the principle of being new every day, as much as I can. I have moved so many times and put down temporary roots over and over. In some ways it can be traumatic. But, there is also a joy to being free and saying to yourself: this is who I am today. This is who I want to be today – and tomorrow. My past does not define me. Where I come from does not define me. I define myself, and I use everything, but I am the one making those choices.

In a way, California is a perfect place for me to be able to access that, because of its timeless weather and lack of architectural history. I am here, facing myself and what I create. Well, for many of us even that is quite enough of a task because we can be our own worst enemies at times.

But in Moscow… it is me and years of family history. Not even my own history, but family history; the history of the relatives, my mother and father's ancestral history. The history of my childhood. The metro stations, trains that still look exactly the same as they did when I took them to attend my music school, and sat reading books about zoology and the South Pacific. The history of the city and the transformations it has undergone, as have its people. The heaviness of its presence upon everything.

As I am back in this Neverland, which is California, my time in Moscow still weighs on my mind. I am working on reconciling who I have become and what I yet want to become, with who I was and what was written. But this time around I also had a glimpse of what is possible for me there. Not a homecoming just yet – but a possibility of one. I will go back again soon – and this time it will be a trip about music. 

What I have to remember is that I am incredibly blessed. With my music, with the stubbornness that has brought me here. With the ability to change and grow. And also with the opportunity to choose. Most people do not have this opportunity. I did and I still do. Such a rare thing. Because I was born in the US, I could travel and follow my dreams – most Russians do not have that opportunity. I crashed often and hard, but I always got back up and kept going. And here I am now – working with the people I always wanted to work with, and about to release the record I have always wanted to create and share with the world.

This blog was started a little over two years ago. I often forget how far I have come since then. Perhaps it is because I have this relationship with the past: I put it away and choose to leave it alone, sitting in a drawer. It is not a bad strategy for moving forward and feeling less weighed down. But, it also keeps one from counting the blessings and being aware how much progress has been made.

So going back to Moscow opened all the drawers for me. Many things tumbled out, and I am still putting them back in there. This time I am forcing myself to acknowledge and organize a bit. And some will go in the wastebasket.

Because now a new phase begins.

We are getting ready for the show at the El Rey Theater.. and there are peacock feathers and tulle spread out on the table in the room, as Melissa and I are figuring out the costume. I am excited and nervous. I have much to look forward to. There is a lot of work ahead.

But I am also oh so sad. Moscow has been hit by a long and relentless heatwave. The air is filled with smoke from fires. Crops have been lost. Farmers – who already have had such a hard time in the recent years – have been devastated. My mom is not doing well: she is feeling sickly and I am worried about her. I feel helpless and conflicted with emotions stacking themselves on top of each other. I feel guilty for the cool breeze coming from the ocean through the window, as I am typing this.

And so this is my life right now, with the ups happening at the same time as downs. Pain holding Joy by the hand, as they both walk through the door of my heart.

my mom's apartment building through the smog caused by peat fires in the forests all around the city..