Posted May 6, 2012 at 7:54 am

Victory – lyrics to new song in progress

lyrics to a new song….in progress.

Victory

There is something in the air

it's like a chill that's barely there

till it cuts me to the bone

unprepared and unaware

fear, like a gun in your hand

There's no need to be unkind

put it down or shoot it blind

I am hostage to your dread

of being used and left behind

Find me the words

why should it hurt to say that

You don't know how much you mean to me

Go ahead and claim your victory

oh, but I can't let you go

Because I know I bruised you

every time I couldn't find you

I destroyed your hiding place

all because I wished to bind your heart to my heart

for all time

Find me a way

How can you say

You don't know how much you mean to me

you don't know how much you mean to me

So go ahead and claim your victory

oh..

I brought down your walls

and made them crumble

but it was all for love.

Your hunger grows, and when you stumble

it won't be enough

So if I'm damned and unforgiven

I will take my time

and wait as long as you believe in redemption

for my kind.

You don't know how much you mean to me

Go ahead and claim your victory

Oh, but I can't let you go.

(eik, 2010)

Julie Speed

Posted May 5, 2012 at 9:39 am

Stormy Ether

There must have been something going on recently in the collective unconscious of the world – the ether – or maybe the planets fighting each other for their respective astrological supremacy. Hard to say. But it was a harsh week.

Today is Saturday and a full moon – it feels better, though. I feel better. I didn't wake up anxious, as I had been doing for over a week, straining to understand why the invisible sounds of life's behind-the-scenes machinery were filling me with dread.

It is not raining. It is only raining in my poem below. But in fact, for the first time in days it is also a morning of generous sunshine without the sprinkling of the rain or marine layer rolling in at first light.

I found this old poem I wrote a while back.

I have not changed since then. Or have I? That is the question.

When I start going mad, I always turn to one man who will never leave my heart – Rainer Maria Rilke.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day".

I thought of you today.

The morning was covered by the blanket of rain

It was so sweet to lie there, half-asleep

and wonder, hazily, at the irony of life.

All my days, I am torn between

the safe haven, shining like a beacon

and the Grand Adventure.

But I am unable to give myself up

not for long anyway.

Who do you see, when you stare at me so?

A kind of saintly ghostly glow about me, perhaps

or maybe I represent a part of you

lost long ago; stillborn to this world.

The water on the roof was the Morse Code

I felt like I was close to knowing the answer.

There comes a time when all that matters

is being your own self, through and through.

And if I was with you, I know I would become

a better version of the girl I've only come to know.

No, not the girl: the woman.

I am no longer made of clay. I have been weathered,

beaten, burned and now I do not yield.

Your love is like the wind: it tugs; it beckons and embraces

I do not want the wind: I'd rather be with trees.

They stand there, waiting, until I come to them myself

and do not ever judge me.

(EIK, 2011)

Posted April 25, 2012 at 5:31 am

let the alchemical tinkering begin

The secret to life, I have found, is acknowledging once and for all that what is inside you colors everything around you.

If your heart is feeling murky and dull, that brush will tarnish the brightest day.

If, however, you are bursting with gold, everything and everyone around you will glisten, regardless of whether there is any sunshine about.

It is an alchemical process – and the magical alchemical engine, which works every second of your life is right here, right now, inside your own self.

That is also the reason why we almost never inhabit quite the same reality as anyone else: that force that informs our existence is vastly different for everyone. We may see the same things, but we interpret them very differently. If life is a coloring book, we color in the same shapes, but the shades of color are so very varied.

Today I received some disappointing news… and yet, the strange bubble of joy that has been growing inside me in the recent days, refuses to evaporate. In fact, it works as a shield of sorts – and what would normally deflate me, has merely been accepted by my inner self as yet another twist of the Road.

And here is this:

From Bruce Mau's "Incomplete Manifesto for Growth" :

Allow events to change you.
You have to be willing to grow. Growth is different from something that happens to you. You produce it. You live it. The prerequisites for growth: the openness to experience events and the willingness to be changed by them.

Forget about good.
Good is a known quantity. Good is what we all agree on. Growth is not necessarily good. Growth is an exploration of unlit recesses that may or may not yield to our research. As long as you stick to good you’ll never have real growth.

Process is more important than outcome.
When the outcome drives the process we will only ever go to where we’ve already been. If process drives outcome we may not know where we’re going, but we will know we want to be there.

Love your experiments (as you would an ugly child).
Joy is the engine of growth. Exploit the liberty in casting your work as beautiful experiments, iterations, attempts, trials, and errors. Take the long view and allow yourself the fun of failure every day.

Go deep.
The deeper you go the more likely you will discover something of value.

Capture accidents.
The wrong answer is the right answer in search of a different question. Collect wrong answers as part of the process. Ask different questions.

Posted April 22, 2012 at 1:38 am

getting there… and back to poetry

I am feeling a lot better today, but it is still a day of rest.

I just watched Love The Earth, which is a crowd-sourced short film, scored by Imogen Heap – and then her performance with special cyborg gloves, which produce sound wirelessly, and the movement defines the tone/sound.

She is beyond amazing: I adore her.

Tomorrow I hook up all my equipment, pick up the guitar and start playing with music again. I want to do some special things for the tour that starts mid May. More on that soon..

I also intend to write more poetry, make some serious inroads in the Beatrix story, listen to hours of new music, dance and be wildly inspired and creative. I have been *doing* a lot since the beginning of the year – performing, planning, stressing, traveling, wondering, organizing.

And now all my heart wants is playtime with my Muse.

Last night I went ahead and re-read some of 'The Little Prince' by Saint-Exupery. I recently met someone who made me think of the book and its character – not the grown-up, but the Little Prince himself. This is one of those books that forever speak to me: almost as if it is written in code, and the code translates into whatever daily life I am living; regardless of whether it is now, tomorrow or five years ago.

'The Alchemist' is another one of those books.

“It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”
― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

A poem I wrote a while back:

I am not afraid
Ok, maybe a little bit
but even if I am
it's just a temporary place.

But this much I do know:
The straight lines and corners;
illusions that we make
and clothes we wear
to separate ourselves:
they are not us.

Now and then I get this
aching desire to let go
of everything I have ever learned
about who I am
where I am going
and what I truly want.

There is something here
I keep seeing out the corner of my eye.
Perhaps, if I move sideways
instead of forward, or backwards
or even standing still
I will know what it is.

Now and then
I get weak at the knees
from the love I feel
for this world
and tonight they're within me:
the knowing, the fear, the pleasure
of being human:
so alive and imperfect.

Posted April 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

Synchronicity

We are in Vancouver and it's beautiful. The last time I was here was a few years ago, and it was with a boyfriend (who is no longer my boyfriend).

There is a strange thing about going places with someone you are truly in love with vs. someone who are 'kind of' into. It's really very different. I don't even remember much of Vancouver back then.

I don't think I was in love with him.

And then, there is this third way – going somewhere on your own or with a great friend, like I am doing on these tour stints. Missy's enthusiasm for life, people and all things never stops to astonish me and warm my heart. She helps me get past the moments when my Russian cynicism or melancholy kick in. And more than anything, exploring these new cities makes me feel like I am 12 all over again – in a good way.

I think I must be on the right track recently, because more and more things that happen in my life feel like they were meant to be – or have already happened. I also often find myself thinking or talking of something, only to look up and see the words printed on someone's T-shirt – or hear the words of a song that match the mood of the conversation – things like that. Synchronicity.

Tonight I perform in Canada for the first time. Another first. There are a lot of those for me these days.

Vancouver is full of cherry blossom trees in flower. They are like white pieces of heaven throughout the city. They make me want to go to Japan soon.