Posted May 21, 2012 at 9:58 am

Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down)

So this is my cover of a Tears for Fears song. I do love them – I am going to cover more of their songs, but this is a start. I love this song's starkness and the intensity of the lyrics.

"Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down)"

Chewed the bone down too low
Got fed on tea and sympathy
Blew the sail like the wind
I wish you were my enemy
I was humble for you
What a fool I've been to have
Laid so low for so long
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down
Where tears roll down
And where your mother's violence
Sent your soul underground
Where tears roll down
Where tears roll down
Drew the blade way too slow
Was shackled by your honesty
Made a mess, I guess I have should have known
That life was lust and liberty
Not a chance mutation or the last temptation
Laid so low for so long, so low
Into that void of silence
Where we cry without sound
Where tears roll down
Where tears roll down
And where your mother's violence
Sent your soul underground
Where tears roll down
Where tears roll down

(Tears for Fears)

And here is the original:

Posted May 21, 2012 at 9:37 am

New Times Roll

I have been busy – finally on a roll and spending most of my time working on music, instead of moping or thinking of 'what ifs?' or 'if I had only' etc.

I pulled out some older songs and now I am adding bits and pieces to them – mostly vocal arrangements – but there will be others, like my first ever remixes and such.

I decided to do it in a semi-public kind of manner – my fans seem to appreciate being able to see the process. Perhaps some things need to only see light of day when they are exactly the way they should be – some songs are like that – but now that my actual record is out, I feel like *that* is the measure by which I may get judged – and so sharing things that are NOT quite perfect and are in progress is not only easier for me, but somewhat rewarding – working on music by yourself can get to be a lonely process.

Plus – I have so much music, so many songs, and so much material begging to see the light of day in one form or another. The old trick of announcing something so you create an expectation and a deadline for yourself does work. This way, when a song makes it out there and I announce that it is being worked on, in fact, now I *have* to do something about it. It is a good thing because it makes me finish things, rather than flit on to the next attraction.

Also, I am a perfectionist at heart. That means that oftentimes it is so easy for me to see/hear flaws in something I have made that just one more reason – and it will never see the light of day – or I will keep it back because something BETTER is on the way – or – well you know what I mean.

At this point in my life I am starting to see that some intelligent editing and holding back is certainly necessary – but I *have* reached a certain level of skill and quality. My songs, my music, my singing and other skills will always keep getting better with practice, time and persistent application. So holding material back because some day it will get so much BETTER – well, it was a valid reason five years ago, but not quite so much anymore.

Yesterday was a solar eclipse. A friend of mine who is a professional astrologer tells me it's a harbinger of New Times: letting of of the things that are no longer necessary or working in your life; situations that are holding you back, fears, even people who may no longer be your match.

I don't quite know what to make of it, but if it is true in any way I would like to welcome this new era with open arms. This time, instead of crying over my edition of Rilke's 'Letters To a Young Poet', I will be submerged in all things musical – whether at the piano, my computer, figuring out bits of new software for recording/arranging – playing guitar – mastering the looping machine (FINALLY!!!) – or wrestling down the Puccini aria I want to sing soon.

And I did a brand new cover! This one is a very subdued version of a Tears For Fears B side: Laid So Low (Tears Roll Down). I think I managed to imbue it with all the angst of the last few weeks. Perhaps it's best it stays there now…

This weekend I got to wear my Flower Boots. Yes. Perhaps I am going to make them a big part of this new era. Wouldn't you?

Posted May 20, 2012 at 6:48 am

Odi et Amo lyrics – from Beatrix Runs.

You told me that you loved me

And kissed me in the street

I felt your arms around me

Like ground beneath my feet

You promised me forever

That wouldn’t have to ask

Your poems were so clever

I never saw your mask

You gave yourself so freely

I couldn’t even see

It wasn’t you, who smiled right back at me

Odi et amo, odi et amo

Meus carus hostilis

(my beloved enemy)

Odi et amo, Odi et amo

Ego exuro vobis

(I burn for you)

I’m not afraid of darkness that walks the city streets

Betrayal is the one thing

That brings me to my knees

I thought you were an angel

My rescue from this hell

But devil was an actor

Who played his part too well

You vanished in the shadows

And suddenly I knew

That I would give my life to be with you

Odi et amo, odi et amo

Meus carus hostilis

Odi et amo, Odi et amo

Ego exuro vobis

I don’t mean to leave it up to fate

Love is just another side of hate

It’s flowing through my veins

It burns me from within

The line between the lover

And enemy’s grown thin

Too late for this sinner to be saved

Your heart is the mystery I craved

You’re pushing me too far

You’ve brought me to my knees

When pain becomes the pleasure

And torture feels like bliss

Odi et amo, odi et amo

Meus carus hostilis

Odi et amo, Odi et amo

Ego exuro vobis.

Posted May 17, 2012 at 2:23 am

the world is not enough – or is it enough?

I am overdue on a number of things, one of which is calling my mom, who is in Russia. I miss her.

It has been a difficult time, emotionally. Perhaps it is time to turn to some literary friends I have acquired over the years. And so I do… to one man who is always with me, because of his words – well you guessed who it is:

..Love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away, you write, and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.

And if what is near you is far away, then your vastness is already among the stars and is very great; be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend.

Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.

Avoid providing material for the drama, that is always stretched tight between parent and children; it uses up much of the children's strength and wastes the love of the elders, which acts and warms even if it doesn't comprehend.

Don't ask for any advice from them and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.

(rainer maria rilke, Letters to a Young Poet)

I am learning a lot these days – about myself, my limits, desires and true needs.

The good thing is that the music is flowing freely – I have a full album's material's worth on my iPhone – and that's just my iPhone.

I feel like a phase is ending and another beginning, but I am still in between. It's not the most comfortable place to be, because I like certainty. But perhaps that's just it: learning to be in that place, with patience – that is the lesson.

It appears to me that many of the people I know are having a similar experience. Or perhaps, once again, I am just seeing the world through my own little private lens, that just so happens to be a bit foggy these days.

I am doing, however, some good work. There are some interesting covers in progress, as well as originals. I am also wrangling with software and cables. Eck! I hate cables. But, alas, they are necessary in sound engineering of any kind.

Here is a bit of a cover I am putting together. It is a French song I have loved for a while now. I think I'll do another version with English lyrics… well, I'll have to WRITE them first, but it will be a pleasure. And then I'll have to remix it for sure, it's too gorgeous of a melody, it has to go over beats, too.

It seems to me that almost all our sadnesses are moments of tension, which we feel as paralysis because we no longer hear our astonished emotions living.

Because we are alone with the unfamiliar presence that has entered us; because everything we trust and are used to is for a moment taken away from us; because we stand in the midst of a transition where we cannot remain standing.

That is why the sadness passes: the new presence inside us, the presence that has been added, has entered our heart, has gone into its innermost chamber and is no longer even there, is already in our bloodstream. And we don't know what it was.

We could easily be made to believe that nothing happened, and yet we have changed, as a house that a guest has entered changes. We can't say who has come, perhaps we will never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters us in this way in order to be transformed in us, long before it happens.

And that is why it is so important to be solitary and attentive when one is sad: because the seemingly uneventful and motionless moment when our future steps into us is so much closer to life than that other loud and accidental point of time when it happens to us as if from outside.

The quieter we are, the more patient and open we are in our sadnesses, the more deeply and serenely the new presence can enter us, and the more we can make it our own, the more it becomes our fate; and later on, when it "happens" (that is, steps forth out of us to other people), we will feel related and close to it in our innermost being.

And that is necessary. It is necessary – and toward this point our development will move, little by little – that nothing alien happen to us, but only what has long been our own. People have already had to rethink so many concepts of motion; and they will also gradually come to realize that what we call fate does not come into us from the outside, but emerges from us.

It is only because so many people have not absorbed and transformed their fates while they were living in them that they have not realized what was emerging from them; it was so alien to them that, in their confusion and fear, they thought it must have entered them at the very moment they became aware of it, for they swore they had never before found anything like that inside them.

Just as people for a long time had a wrong idea about the sun's motion, they are even now wrong about the motion of what is to come. The future stands still, dear Mr. Kappus, but we move in infinite space.

Yes, that is definitely me today.

All_Alone_In_Space___n___Time_by_Artillusion

Mission for the rest of 2012 is to learn to walk a careful line between smugness and a sort of magnanimous noblesse oblige. And own it.

Posted May 10, 2012 at 7:01 am

Do you want to be in my video?

We are getting ready to shoot the official video for my single Meant.

There is a story in the video – which is also part of the bigger story of Beatrix.

The performance part of it is being shot in Los Angeles, this Tuesday, April 3rd at a wonderful club mid town Los Angeles called 'Fais Do Do'.

You would need to dress swanky (think cool jazz club attire with Mad Men vibe, but not too retro).

The shoot is 7-10 PM sharp.

Come be immortalized in my music video! You would be part of the listening audience, as I perform and then… but I can't give away the story here;)

Email our Production Coordinator Celina Reising at cmr@celinareising.com if you want to be there (we need a definite head count and your info to email you final instructions).

We can't pay you – alas – but you would get a credit – maybe be in the shot – and – and! – a physical (freshly printed) copy of:

….

……….

here it is!

(not yet available anywhere else & with special poster of the Beatrix story inside)

…plus I will love you forever, I promise!